Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced today that he will be dismantling the antiquated Department Of Transportation (DOT) and replacing it with his newly hatched Department Of Truth (DOT). His reasoning behind the move was to prepare for the digital future where roads are no longer necessary in the virtual world we will ultimately be living in.
Vice President Harris immediately congratulated him stating, “In the virtual world, Truth is the most important true thing we can believe in.” Senator Bernie Sanders (D) Vermont, heaped on additional praise with “Think how much money will no longer be wasted on roads and the smog producing vehicles that use them. And by recycling the DOT three letter acronym, it won’t cost taxpayers a dime to rebrand the new department.”
When asked if the new DOT would be fact checking online content, Buttigieg replied, “That’s not our job. The goal of this new department is to train media outlets on the new standards that rank truthfulness of content.” Media staffers will be trained by the DOT and certified as Fact Checkers. Certified Fact Checkers will then self monitor their media content and rank it appropriately. By not actually doing any fact checking themselves, the DOT will not have to bear the cost of labor intensive fact checking. Nor will it be accountable for any false fact checking that occurs under its governance.
Proposed new fact checking standards include:
“Bona fide fact” – The absolute highest standard of truth, represented by a golden phallus emoji
“No shitter” – Pretty much true, especially if it would sound good in stories told by veteran sailors, represented by a poop emoji
“Essentially true” – Unsupported by facts or data, may include date inconsistencies, but advances the party narrative, represented by a golden halo. All statements by the current president are automatically deemed “Essentially true”
“Total Crap” – Anything the DOT doesn’t like or could be perceived as unlikable, also represented by a poop emoji