Late Saturday evening, President Joe Biden declared a national state of emergency due to a massive red wave predicted by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) on Tuesday November 8th. When asked, the president stated “according to NOAA, a deadly algae bloom, known as the red wave, uh-hum, I mean red tide, is expected to envelope the entire continental US including Hawaii and Alaska on Tuesday. It is my duty to protect the people of the United States. Therefore, in an effort to flatten the curve of the coming red wave, I mean tide. Red tide, I’m immediately implementing a ban on all travel outside the home until the ‘red wave’ threat has receded.” He further extended the lockdown to include mandatory masking “in case this thing goes viral.”
Administration officials acknowledge that the timing of the lock-down, just ahead of the elections, is inconvenient. But they insisted that mail-in ballots and early voting results will provide a sufficient sample size to represent the majority of Americans. In an official press conference, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured, “thanks to mail in ballots and early voting results, this administration is convinced that the 2022 election will be fair, in spite of the eminent danger we all face with the impending ‘red wave’.” She added, “anyone who questions the integrity of this election counting method is a racist, transphobic, fascist bigot.”
Outraged Senate minority leader Mitch McConnel (R) Kentucky took to the podium immediately following the president’s speech decrying, “it is what it is,” before moping off the stage.