It’s 4:00AM in the sleepy town of Derby Line, Vermont. A mile and a half west, on barely known and rarely traveled Beebe Road, US Border Patrol and Customs agents lie in wait. One agent, crouched in a ditch, is holding a cable that crosses the road. Attached on the other side is a spike strip, neatly coiled and ready to be deployed. The target? The savage “Cartel Quebecois Nique Ta Mère” and a $1.1M load of unwashed, unsanitized, unrefrigerated eggs.
The unsuspecting truck driver, Marcel D’Oeufs, rumbles through the one lane border crossing without incident. Moments later, he’s blinded by high intensity lights just before the spike strip is yanked in front of the truck. Tires explode, and the truck careens off the road, barely missing the agent who deployed the spikes. The truck rolls onto its side, spilling 1,855,714 loosely packed eggs into the ditch. “Son of a bitch!” yells a US Customs agent. “I thought you said this was going to be a clean stop. You idiots! Now I gotta call in a hazmat team to clean this $h!t up!”
With the skyrocketing price of eggs, this scene, and others like it, are becoming increasingly more common at the Canadian border. “It’s a real problem,” said a guy named Bob of the USDA‘s Food Safey Inspection Service (FSIS). “These cheap, unregulated eggs are flooding through our borders, jeopardizing our ability to drive inflation and keep citizens in check.”