The Department of Justice (DoJ) raided Lincoln’s cottage in northwest Washington DC Tuesday after receiving an anonymous tip regarding the unlawful storage of classified documents there. Lead investigator, Nick Tamere held up a handful of yellowed parchment, and an old shovel with charcoal markings and declared, “honest Abe is Busted.” Sources close to the investigation stated that the tip came in weeks ago, but action was delayed for undisclosed reasons. Speculation is that it was being held until needed to deflect attention from the current president’s situation.
“This is an obvious smear campaign,” said Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnel (R-KY), “And I won’t stand for it.” Mitt Romney (R-UT) wholeheartedly agreed, and they promptly returned to their seats. On the other side of the aisle, house member Alexandria Ocassio-Cortez (Socialist-NY) sided with the DOJ. “This is just another example of white patriarchy flexing their privilege.” In concurrence, house minority leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) added, “No one is above the law. Not even Honest Abe”
An onslaught of classified document scandals is sure to follow now that Honest Abe is busted. Media misdirection into this sea of red herrings gives congress and the Whitehouse the cover it needs to ram down as much expensive and useless legislation as they can, while no one is paying attention.