In an unprecedented move Tuesday, President Joe Biden gave a full presidential pardon to convicted sex trafficker Ghislane Maxwell. At a press conference Biden stated, “I’ve been very interested in this case from the beginning, you know. I mean really. Something just didn’t add up. Then I heard that song from Oliver Anthony and thought, ‘That’s it!’. So I had the DOJ look into it and it turns out, there were no miners on pedophile island. The whole case was about trafficking miners, and there wasn’t one shred of evidence that they were even there. Not one hard hat, not one pick axe, not a single sledgehammer. No lanterns, no canaries in cages, nothing to indicate that any mining activity was happening.”
Biden also stated that, for her protection, Maxwell would be staying at the white house. “I really don’t think she’d be safe anywhere in this God forsaken country. Besides, her hair smells so-o-o-o-o-o-o good.” The president was lured away from the podium with an ice cream cone before he could answer any questions from the press.