The US Space Force Academy’s “Proud Peacocks” trounced the Marine Corps in the first anal Blackrock Diversity and Inclusion Bowl sponsored by Massengill. The game, dubbed the “Douche Bowl” by both the US Naval Academy and Army’s West Point, was a spectacular dud among holiday bowl games.
The game opened with a one point score by Marine Corps when they won the opening coin toss. But the point was taken away on an “unnecessary bitch slapping” call after the Marine Corps team captain backhanded the Spaceforce captain upon winning the toss That penalty ultimately came back to haunt the Marines, as it would have forced a tie had the score stood. The game’s only score came after a failed touchdown attempt by Spaceforce. New Slap and Tickle rules instituted by the Military College Athletic Association (MCAA), allowed Spaceforce the Point After because they “tried really hard” for the touchdown.
The game was originally scheduled to start on New Years Day, but was delayed because the neurodivergent Spaceforce players, suffering from time blindness, failed to get out of bed and get to the stadium on time. The game was postponed twice, and finally kicked off around 2:20 PM EST yesterday. Air temperature at the stadium exceeded 72 degrees Fahrenheit at around 3:00 so the game was called in order to prevent exhaustion of the Spaceforce players.
Noticably abscent were the advertisements from the ASPCA who pulled their sponsorship when the Spaceforce mascott, Phenom the Peacock, was visciously attacked by Monty the Marine Corps Mongoose. The impromptu cockfight was captured and accidentally broadcast live during the ESPN pregame show. ASPCA pulled it’s standard heartstring tugging holiday adds at the last minute after witnessing the atrocity.
Spaceforce quarterback Happy Grabass was thrilled with the unexpected win over the Marines. As a result of the win, Spaceforce cadets were all granted student loan forgiveness for themselves and their children. MCAA officials stated that the cost of granting loan forgiveness to the players children was minimal as the players are unlikely to ever generate offspring. Marine Corps players were each awarded 10-inch vibrating participation “trophies” as a reminder of how they took it up the @$$
Next year’s schedule for the Spaceforce Academy include Western Governors University, SNHU, Gardner Webb University, University of Phoenix, Maryville, and the still undefeated Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University