Over the weekend, Joe Biden mistook a sign from God as a cheap fake conjured up by MAGA Extremists. According to the President, he was wandering aimlessly about the rose garden when he heard a voice coming from a burning bush. “It says to me, ‘Take off your shoes Joe. And it’s about time you drop out of the race’,” the president told reporters.
The incredulous press corps was speechless and the President continued. “I’m looking around and thinking, Holy crap, this global warming thing is getting way outta hand. And then I realize that this is just a cheap fake brought on by MAGA Republicans. They’re trying to scare me outta the race.” When asked what happened next, Biden replied, “I did what any sane person would do. Piss on those MAGA Extremists, and I pissed on their burning bush. No way I’m droppin’ outta this race. Global warming is directly attacking the White House. Democracy is at stake. And I need a steak. Hell, I shoulda barbecued a steak over that burning bush. And nothing goes better with a barbecued steak than an ice cream cone. Did you know chocolate is my favorite? I’m not kiddin’.”