In a late night closed door meeting Monday, Republican leadership indicated that they were on the verge of conceding control of the house when they learned that no Canadian or Mexican ballots had yet been counted in any of the outstanding races. Under condition of anonymity one attendee of the closed door meeting admitted that, “while we don’t condone the open border policy promulgated by the current administration, we do believe that cooperating on the issue of foreign ballot inclusion puts us in a stronger negotiating position for the future.” Another anonymous republican leader corroborated that statement when he remarked, “If we win, we’ll be expected to actually DO something. Our strategy is to gain respect by playing the victim card.”
Republicans need only three of the 15 remaining seats to take control of the House. But democrats continue to delay final counts in the remaining races until they can generate enough blue ballots to skew the outcome in their favor. If Dems are allowed to count the foreign ballots, the election could be called within hours. Giddy with anticipation, house majority leader Nancy Pelosi (D) California stated, “I’m proud to say I support the idea that EVERYONES vote counts in US elections.” Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (D) New York, agreed but was quick to point out the unfairness that Chinese, North Korean, Cuban, and Venezuelan ballots were not being considered.
Former president Donald Trump was not at all surprised when the news reached him at his Mar-A-Lago home. When asked by insiders what he thought of the republican leaders, he replied, “the red wave is being thwarted by a blue undertow,” then added, “I told you they’d fold like a cheap suit.”