Luxury purse pets
Mr. Pickles, desperate and afraid

Remember all those cute little pedigreed dogs, cats, sugar gliders, and bearded dragons that overpaid and underworked prima donnas carried around in their purses, back packs, and designer totes? You know, the “registered therapy pets” that accompanied Prozac popping snowflakes everywhere they went, including the gender neutral bathrooms at Amazon, Twitter & Meta? Through no fault of their own, these privileged pets are the ones hardest hit by recent corporate layoffs.

Out of work pet owners, who are also dealing with unprecedented inflation, are being forced to make tough decisions like buying themselves food instead of getting a Swedish snake massage for their pet python. Mr. Pickles, pictured above, is one of the lucky ones. He at least has his $700 designer sweater hoodie to keep him warm while his owner seeks work through the coming winter months. Others aren’t so fortunate as lapsing pet insurance policies threaten their health. To make matters worse, they are faced with the humiliation of having to eat Old Roy dry dogfood instead of the duck liver pâté that their sensitive digestive tracts have become accustomed to. The radical dietary changes alone could trigger life threatening nutritional deficiencies.

Sadly, there is no easy solution to the problem that these pets are facing. Their owners, or “guardians” as they prefer to be called, are not likely to surrender their companions, even in the face of financial hardship. To the owners, eating ramen noodles in the dark with a suffering pet is better than doing it alone.