half fast food

Anyone who’s been to McDonalds lately knows that the concept of “fast food” is lost upon them. The displays with countdown timers, alarms, and warning lights are long gone. Walk into nearly any McDonalds store today and you’ll notice no-one at the counter. The employees you do see have little sense of urgency as they go about their business. Once you do manage to place an order, either by digital kiosk, mobile app, or ungracious salesclerk, you can expect to wait at least five minutes for your order. But every cloud has a silver lining. In this case, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has declared McDonalds is no longer considered “fast food”, rather it is half fast.

FDA Commissioner Robert Califf stated, “Fast food is notoriously unhealthy. Since we can no longer categorize McDonalds as a fast-food restaurant, the half fast food served there is now considered healthy.” Califf’s claim was quickly met with criticism since the nutrient content of the food had not changed. “That’s not exactly true,” he explained. “Their ice cream machines are almost never in service any longer. That alone significantly reduces customer sugar and calorie intake.” The point was hard to dispute and was sufficient to quell any further objections.

McDonalds executives quickly turned the news into a new ad campaign. “McDonalds, the half fast healthy choice!”