Scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider today announced that they’ve found the center of the known universe. While the announcement was not entirely unexpected, the results were. According to Guy Chercheur, the head of the Creative Research on Central Knowledge (CRoCK) experiment, data suggests that Anastasia Jane Summerwith, of Atlanta, GA (USA) is, in fact, the center of the known universe. The news was kept secret for weeks in fear it would trigger an existential crisis amongst teenagers worldwide. That fear was abruptly laid to rest as the scientific community realized that today’s teens have little respect for “science”. As one kid put it, “just because it’s a scientific fact, doesn’t make it MY truth.”
Ther girl’s stepfather Pater Dischord was both shocked and relieved to hear the news. “On one hand,” he said, “I’m in shock. It just doesn’t seem possible that this could be true. But on the other hand, there have been sighs all along. I should have paid more attention.”
When presented with the research results Anistasia looked to her stepdad, rolled her eyes, and said, “Duh Bruh.”