The president was finally pressured to end his beach vacation to visit the Maui wildfire site. He addressed a crowd of nearly 1,000 ashen corpses who accepted his presence without question. “I want you all to know that I can somewhat relate to this. Having nearly lost my cat, my Corvette, and my wife in a small kitchen fire years ago, I get it. Well enough about me. What I want to say is that I’ve worked with PETA, ASPCA, and the Humane Society, to bring every family a new kitten to cheer them up.” You heard that right. Biden pledges kittens for the wildfire victims.
Biden went on to explain the details of the program. “My new program, Kittens Aiding Wildfire Families (KAWF) starts TODAY. Families who pass a rigorous background check and promise to raise them as indoor cats will receive, free of charge, a kitten in need of a home. I realize it isn’t much, but I want you to know that, under my direction, your federal government cares. With the KAWF program, we are doing everything we can to help you in this time of need. And remember, when a Biden pledges kittens, you can bet your fanny there WILL be kittens.”