Late Thursday evening, President Joe Biden signed a landmark executive order that will authorize the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (BATF) to bail out Anheuser Bush (AB-Inbev). The company’s been floundering financially for months following a PR stunt that involved a popular transgender actor who poses as a woman. In Bidens Bud Light Bailout order, the BATF has been charged with redistributing IRA and 401k investments to AB-Inbev in order to bolster their market position.
“Bud Light has been a stalwart beer brand in this country for over three hundred years. My great-great-great grandpa’s second illegitimate son was actually the inventor of Bud Light over 400 years ago. I’m not kidding,” the president said during his announcement. “It’s a beer too big to fail. And I think. Well, it’d be a shame to let a bunch of bigoted, right wing, MAGA hatted, republicans tear it down. Let’s send those transphobic extremists to the pit of misery. Dilly DIlly!” Bidens Bud Light Bailout was immediately hailed by mainstream media outlets as a win for the country.
Senate activists immediately proposed a bi-partisan bill to help out other extreme leftist corporations suffering from conservative blowback. The “Romney-Reed Rainbow Reinflation Act” flew through committee and was passed 53-46 with one abstention. Five RINOs, including Romney and notorious turncoat Thom Tillis (R-NC), helped to pass the bill. The bill would allow the Social Security Administration to invest in other corporations, like Target, that are suffering from transactivisim. Target has lost $14 Billion since its teen trans swimwear was exposed online. The Romney-Reed Rainbow Reinflation Act is largely symbolic with little to no chance of passing the Republican controlled House.