NEA Bans Term Concertmaster

The National Endowment of the Arts (NEA) has banned the term Concertmaster because of its racist connotations. The NEA announced that it will cease funding any orchestra that continues the use of the term. A spokesman for the NEA stated, “we will no longer support this sort of systemic racism by our beneficiaries.”

A post on the NEA website further detailed their new ESG policies. They will also suspend funding to organizations who practice double blind auditions. This practice, according to the NEA Diversity Department, is systemically racist because it is based on meritocracy. They also abolished the concept of first chair. In thier new model, chairs will be named after skin color and will be filled accordingly.

The New York Philharmonic promptly hired Sammy Hagar as their Lead Guitarist, declared themselves a “Band”, thereby exempting themselves from the rules governing “Orchestras”, and restoring their NEA funding.